By Cole Allen, annotated by emeraldorange staff
Regarding the 25 April Shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
The full text of Cole Allen’s letter to his family (“manifesto”):
“Hello everybody!
So I may have given a lot of people a surprise today. Let me start off by apologizing to everyone whose trust I abused.
I apologize to my parents for saying I had an interview without specifying it was for ‘Most Wanted.’
I apologize to my colleagues and students for saying I had a personal emergency (by the time anyone reads this, I probably most certainly DO need to go to the ER, but can hardly call that not a self-inflicted status.)
I apologize to all of the people I traveled next to, all the workers who handled my luggage, and all the other non-targeted people at the hotel who I put in danger simply by being near.
I apologize to everyone who was abused and/or murdered before this, to all those who suffered before I was able to attempt this, to all who may still suffer after, regardless of my success or failure.
I don’t expect forgiveness, but if I could have seen any other way to get this close, I would have taken it. Again, my sincere apologies.
On to why I did any of this:
I am a citizen of the United States of America.
What my representatives do reflects on me.
And I am no longer willing to permit a pedophile, rapist, and traitor to coat my hands with his crimes.
(Well, to be completely honest, I was no longer willing a long time ago, but this is the first real opportunity I’ve had to do something about it.)
While I’m discussing this, I’ll also go over my expected rules of engagement (probably in a terrible format, but I’m not military so too bad.)
Administration officials (not including Mr. Patel): they are targets, prioritized from highest-ranking to lowest [sic]
Secret Service: they are targets only if necessary, and to be incapacitated non-lethally if possible (aka, I hope they’re wearing body armor because center mass with shotguns messes up people who *aren’t* [sic]
Hotel Security: not targets if at all possible (aka unless they shoot at me)
Capitol Police: same as Hotel Security
National Guard: same as Hotel Security
Hotel Employees: not targets at all
Guests: not targets at all
In order to minimize casualties I will also be using buckshot rather than slugs (less penetration through walls)
I would still go through most everyone here to get to the targets if it were absolutely necessary (on the basis that most people *chose* to attend a speech by a pedophile, rapist, and traitor, and are thus complicit) but I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
Rebuttals to objections:
Objection 1: As a Christian, you should turn the other cheek.
Rebuttal: Turning the other cheek is for when you yourself are oppressed. I’m not the person raped in a detention camp. [1] I’m not the fisherman executed without trial. [2] I’m not a schoolkid [sic] blown up or a child starved [3] or a teenage girl abused by the many criminals in this administration. [4]
Turning the other cheek when *someone else* is oppressed is not Christian behavior; it is complicity in the oppressor’s crimes.
Objection 2: This is not a convenient time for you to do this.
Rebuttal: I need whoever thinks this way to take a couple minutes and realize that the world isn’t about them. Do you think that when I see someone raped or murdered or abused, I should walk on by because it would be “inconvenient” for people who aren’t the victim?
This was the best timing and chance of success I could come up with.
Objection 3: You didn’t get them all.
Rebuttal: Gotta start somewhere.
Objection 4: As a half-black, half-white person, you shouldn’t be the one doing this.
Rebuttal: I don’t see anyone else picking up the slack
Objection 5: Yield unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.
Rebuttal: The United States of America are ruled by the law, not by any one or several people. In so far as representatives and judges do not follow the law, no one is required to yield them anything so unlawfully ordered.
I would also like to extend my appreciation to a great many people since I will not be likely to be able to talk with them again (unless the Secret Service is *astoundingly* incompetent.)
Thank you to my family, both personal and church, for your love over these 31 years.
Thank you to my friends, for your companionship over many years.
Thank you to my colleagues over many jobs, for your positivity and professionalism.
Thank you to my students for your enthusiasm and love of learning.
Thank you to the many acquaintances I’ve met, in person and online, for short interactions and long-term relationships, for your perspectives and inspiration.
Thank you all for everything.
Sincerely,
Cole “coldForce” “Friendly Federal Assassin” Allen
PS: Ok now that all the sappy stuff is done, what the hell is the Secret Service doing? Sorry, gonna rant a bit here and drop the formal tone.
Like, I expected security cameras at every bend, bugged hotel rooms, armed agents every 10 feet, metal detectors out the wazoo.
What I got (who knows, maybe they’re pranking me!) is nothing.
No damn security.
Not in transport.
Not in the hotel. [Allen stayed in the hotel]
Not in the event.
Like, the one thing that I immediately noticed walking into the hotel is the sense of arrogance.
I walk in with multiple weapons and not a single person there considers the possibility that I could be a threat.
The security at the event is all outside, focused on protestors and current arrivals, because apparently no one thought about what happens if someone checks in the day before.
Like, this level of incompetence is insane, and I very sincerely hope it’s corrected by the time this country gets actually competent leadership again.
Like, if I was an Iranian agent, instead of an American citizen, I could have brought a damn Ma Deuce in here and no one would have noticed shit.
Actually insane.
Oh and if anyone is curious is how doing something like feels: it’s awful. I want to throw up; I want to cry for all the things I wanted to do and never will, for all the people whose trust this betrays; I experience rage thinking about everything this administration has done.
Can’t really recommend it! Stay in school, kids. [5]”
Footnotes:
1. See, for starters (it’s an easy Google and so much material): Ossoff. “The Abuse of Pregnant Women and Children in U.S. Immigration Detention.” ACLU. “Detained Immigrants Detail Physical Abuse and Inhumane Conditions at Largest Immigration Detention Center in U.S.” PBS NewsHour. “3-Year-Old Suffered Sexual Abuse During Months in Immigration Custody, Family Alleges.”
2. Also a [disturbingly] easy Google with so much material (and, hey, if you’re an American, make of that what you will):
“Operation Southern Spear and Casualties— Targeting: While the US labels those killed as “narco-terrorists,” “designated terrorist organizations,” or “narcoterrorists” (such as Tren de Aragua), they have not consistently provided public evidence to support these claims. Death Toll: As of mid-April 2026, these airstrikes have killed over 175 to 180 people, with estimates reaching 182, including some survivors of initial strikes who were killed in subsequent attacks. Nature of Strikes: The US military, often operating via the US Southern Command, has used combat aircraft to destroy vessels, frequently releasing aerial video footage of boats exploding.”
Plus: New York Times. “Tracking U.S. Military Killings in Boat Attacks.” And The Intercept. “State Department Tells Human Rights Watchdog to Ignore Trump’s Extrajudicial Killings.” And. ACLU. “Legal Experts Underscore Illegality of U.S. Boat Strikes…” And The Guardian. “ ‘We Were Terrified They Were Going to Kill Us,’ Fishers who Survived US Boat Strike Speak Out.” And so many more, courtesy of the still-pretty-open Web.
3. Is this because of the United States’ failure to support free school lunches and cutting back on social welfare programs? Is this referring to wide-scale inflation and rising food costs? Is this referring to the U.S.-supported Israeli actions resulting in wide-scale suffering in the Middle East? Is this (also? and? or?) referring to the gutting of USAID? The possibilities are endless.
See also: ILSR. “Mapping Food Deserts and Grocery Consolidation.”
Or, what the hell, is this referring to climate change? (And, or, also, the possibilities are…)
4. See also: United States detention facilities and United States support for Israeli/Netanyahu administration
5. “Stay in School, Kids” is frequently used as an ending to a “bad” or “learning” experience; it’s used sarcastically, ironically, deadpan. It can also mean “learn more, do better” or as, following a personal story that didn’t end well, shorthand for “don’t go my way” or “live and learn,” or as an ironic and bitter encomium to think and act differently, better. Shortest: “don’t follow this path.”