No shopping links! Ha, ha, it’s the end of democracy. Fun times.
Descriptions run left to right, top to bottom.
Color Toilet Paper, pastel (choose pink, blue, green, yellow, or peach): What better for the Great American Shitshow than the most luxurious toilet paper made to match most American bathrooms ? Sure, it’s kind of difficult to find the real vintage stuff but, happily, American-style designer color toilet paper is still available: Renova makes “the sexiest paper on Earth” and (our favorite brand name) Foxy Bouquet also makes color toilet paper (3-ply! Perfumed!). Stock up now. Make the Shitshow fun, colorful, and (ahem) triple-ply!
Not to be indelicate but, Lube (you can choose your own adventure here: make it warm or cool or tingly or what have you). Not a billionaire? Not a high, high millionaire? Yeah, you’re going to need…
Books! Specifically: The Constitution (and associated documents); the Constitution for Dummies; Idiot’s Guide to American Government; and the Oxford Companion to American History. Now, good lord, these aren’t for reading! I mean, they might be okay in a time capsule (“memory hole, brought to you by Tesla”), but mostly? When the pastel toilet paper runs out and you need some luxury, rip a sheet out. (Beware of paper cuts.)
Book! Become a citizen of another, I mean an actual country! Oligarchy, kakistocracy not your style? Move! Books like this might have good advice. Who knows? Give it a whirl. (Find someone who can counterfeit U.S. passports. While they’re valid.)
Fisher-Price Medical Kit. Fun fact, with the collapse of legal requirements for medical care (Thanks, Kennedy!) and the NIH and the CDC, but mostly, like government, you can be a doctor! No license, pesky education (higher education is bad), training required. Congratulations on your new career, M.D. Bonus! With possible collapse of regulations, oversight, and economy…you’re responsible for the health of yourself and anyone you might care about. Brought to you by the law firms (funny, lol, law) of “Bite on a Stick, Bitch” and “Stupid Poors, LLC”. Oh, and Trump Health (if you liked Trump Steaks, Trump Water, and Trump University, boy, will you love Trump HealthTM).
Rocket Pop! Or bomb pop, or firecracker ice thing, whatever you want to call it. The cool (get it, it’s a popsicle, cool) thing about this one is not only is it the American colors (so-called) but it’s also the same colors as Russia’s flag! За здоровье!
ReadyWise 150 Serving Emergency Food Bucket. Otherwise known as the “Costco Apocalypse Bucket.” 150 just add water and heat (if available) meals, including teriyaki, spicy Asian noodles, disaster surprise, and carb plus powder!. Lasts 25 years. If the economy totally fails, this is currency, so stock up now.
Life Straw!. Good for up to five years (depending how much water you try to choke down). Perfect for a country or land mass that may or may not have regulations for “safe water” or “lead” or “contaminants permissible.” (Bonus: dig a big cellar and stock up on liquor now—- add cigarettes and chewing tobacco, illicit and/or prescription drugs, if you can get them. You’re the richest man in town. The guy who bought a shit ton of gold? No one wants that: you can’t drink it, eat it, smoke it, or feel better with it. Buy black market shit. And a life straw. This ad brought to you by Life Straw.)
Keep Out sign. Critical for when you and your apartment, trailer home, or house decide things are so very FUBAR it’s time to secede. It’s going to take time to come up with, like, electrified barbed wire and a flag, let alone diplomatic relations with other major countries. In the meantime, try a Keep Out sign. Guaranteed to work at least a little.
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